Counting down

Three treatments down, one to go. Lord you've been faithfully walking me through my crisis and I've felt your presence with me every step of the way. Thank you for your ever abiding love and presence, and the knowledge that you're in control of all that happens in my life. Knowing you're alongside me makes the loneliest hours tolerable - waiting for tests, sitting in the chair getting chemo, not able to sleep at night or in the early hours of the morning, driving back and forth to Southampton with nothing to do but think...and pray. I've enjoyed those times we've spent together because they reinforce to me that you're my best friend. You're the one who's never too busy, never distracted, always available.

Thank you for being there for me. May I always be here for you - ready, willing and able to do whatever you need me to do for you. And dear God forgive me when I'm not.

Beautiful

The sun is shining and it is finally a beautiful day. Thank you God!

I'm often reminded of the words to an Andrea Crouch song that says "If I never had a problem, I wouldn't know that He could solve them, I wouldn't know what faith in God could do...". It always makes me realize that it truly is the difficult times in life, the rainy days and the sad things, that make us appreciate the good days and the sunny skies. We'd be so complacent if it were always beautiful outside and we'd never appreciate such beautiful days for the wonderful gift they are.

So thank you God for this beautiful day after so many rainy, overcast, miserable ones!

Sleep

God, tonight I cannot sleep. I watch the clock slowly move forward and I spend my time tossing, and turning. I pray, I meditate, I think about your word and the things that it tells me. I seek your guidance and I ask for sleep. And the hours go by.

What can you teach me in the early hours of the day Lord? What can I be learning in this time when there are no distractions and its just you and me? I want you to use this time to speak to me - I am here listening.

Sometimes your still small voice is just too small and I cannot hear it. But I'm listening Lord. Please God. I'm here, I'm ready, and I'm waiting. Speak to me. Teach me. Abide with me. I want you so much...

Passed

I knew the feelings of despair and defeat would pass Lord and I knew you were standing right there beside me holding out your hand. And they did... and you were. Dear God how I long for your walk with me every day, no matter how discouraged I become. I look forward to my time with you when we talk about the things that are going so badly and you remind me that you love me and that I cannot always see the big picture. But you can. Thank you God for pulling me through once again. Thank you for allowing me to taste victory and know you are cheering for me.

Thank you that, until the next time I'm at the end of my rope, you're teaching me how to cope when it all happens again. Thank you for that God.

Oh God...

I'm so tired of this God. I'm tired of the whole thing - the tests, the doctors, the driving, the side-effects. Help me persevere God! I know you can hold me up, help me withstand the hardest parts, and keep me from being discouraged. I'm just not feeling it, Lord! I'm feeling discouraged and I'm feeling tired and I want it to be over now. And I'm also tired of trying to smile and be the person everyone says has such a "great attitude". I'm tired of trying to make everyone else feel better and worrying about them. I just want it all to end.

Help me God. I'm so tired of all this....