Missing

I'm missing my mother today. It's been less than two years since she died and occasionally there are days when the ache comes back and hangs on - like today.

I believe that God uses the people in our lives to mold us and shape us into the beings we are meant to be, and some of those people have more effect than others. Parents are especially important in the process, naturally. But I think that my mother was a stronger and more influential part of my life than most and even I did not realize her importance until she was gone.

It was that strong, moral core that I so depended on and now that it is gone I still feel a bit like I'm walking in circles trying to find my way out of something. It's an odd thing - and difficult to explain - but very much an influence on my life right now.

I feel God's presence every day. And every day I miss my mother's. I think that she represented God's presence for me many times while she was on this earth and now, with her gone, I long for that sense of "God in the flesh" that she gave me. It was as if she was God's spokesperson - I could go to her with questions or worries and she would always have just the right the scripture to give me, full of assurance and the fullness of grace.

Perhaps the time has come for me to be more of the person my mother was, to study the scriptures more fervently, to pray more thoroughly, to inhabit God more fully. Perhaps that is my lesson for today. And God is still using my mother to teach me.

What a gift.