How can it be, Lord, that I am up so high one day and down so low the next? Why am I so unsteady in this wild and wacky journey I'm on right now?
Yesterday I was feeling so optimistic, so ready to deal with the things that lay ahead. Today I'm feeling as though nothing is going to work out right - that things are not going to go well for me. I am desperate for your touch. Lord. I need to be aware of your presence, which feels distant to me right now. Help me Lord. I know you are there but I cannot see you today. I long for triumph but I feel defeat.
Sometimes it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other to move forward. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like running again...
1 comment:
i am so sorry you have to go through this. i truly understand. it is a moment-to- moment balancing act. you are made of courage. sometimes it's hard to realize that the journey is the best route to understanding our purpose here on earth. when we are benevolent people at heart it takes such energy to submit to the drawbridge when it rises, blocking our view and halting our stride.
after all, benevolent hearts have much to do for everyone and everything! who has time for disease? who has time for deceptive predators that drain our
bodies and hearts at the most inopportune times? mercy!
why can't everything remain in place so we can do what we love to do to make others happy? it's not like we are asking a lot for ourselves, right? each up and each down is a reminder that we have a choice; up..or down. moment-to-moment. we may have the imagination to be able to imagine that things will stay put for us so we can control circumstances, people, our bodies, our environment, our children, our gardens, etc. injustice is a tough pill to swallow in any form. why do bad things happen to good people? whether bad things happen to good people or not, i believe good people make things happen, by putting one step in front of the other, and on the days when it seems too arduous, the good person imagines getting that foot forward as soon as the tears, frustration, and sense of powerless subsides in a few minutes, or a few days, whatever the case may be. i understand what it is to sometimes inwardly scream with resistance to letting go of what we thought we had control of.....and i understand what is is like to be benevolent so as to not let anyone hear the screams or even suspect us of being capable of them. they would find that intolerable. after all...we are the "go to" people. we can't let them down. some of us cry in private. some of us neglect our basic needs to nourish our bodies, to ask for someone to hold us, for someone to just hold our hand and sit quietly with us. stay focused on remaining benevolent, (how can we do anything but that knowing who we are at all times..?)when sorrow and "down" time happen, remember that those who have had their hearts broken, or their bodies attacked by disease, or worse...these people understand far better than those who have not been through these things. so, while your left foot may not want to budge today, and your right foot is just stuck waiting for another step to happen for forward motion, let those whom you know, who have walked via those baby steps, hold you, sit beside you with a box of tissues and cry with you, let them just listen, pray with you.........and knit with you too! i love you, bff. (your work here is far from done.)
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