Tough days

Lord, I knew there were going to be days like this. I knew that there would be hard days, long days, days of struggle. I know that we cannot expect things to always go smoothly. And yet...I become easily discouraged when those days come.

I'm annoyed at my weaknesses. I hate that I get discouraged and fail to always lean on you. And I find myself expecially annoyed that I can't always find the joy in life. I prefer to choose joy. Some days its just harder to find it than others.

Lord keep me in the hollow of your hands. Allow me to work through the long and dreary days when the sun doesn't shine and I feel as though things may never be the same again. Stay close to my side while I struggle with discouragment and defeat. And remind me that tomorrow is another day and the sun will come out again and everything will look better. Because I know that to be true. I just need reminding now and again.

Wondrously made...

What a peaceful and constant presence you've been to me Lord, during this difficult trial in my life. I've felt your loving arms around me throughout these days just past as I faced physical hardship and the need for your healing power. I was surrounded by your love.

So many times these past days I've recalled the Psalm which talks about how we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and I'm awed by that knowledge. Watching the skill of the surgeons at work is one thing, but also seeing how my body heals on a daily basis is breath-taking. What a gift you've given us - these wonderful, vulnerable, imperfect and yet perfectly incredible vessels for our souls and spirits. I've had a real struggle in my life, learning to appreciate and love my own (especially) imperfect body. And yet suddenly, after this experience - still so new, raw, and continuing to unfold - I'm finding an appreciation for its perfection and a knowledge of what you see, that it brings me to my knees in gratitude.

Lord thank you! For I truly am fearfully and wonderfully made.....

Surrounded by God

As I enter into the final day before my surgery I can honestly say that I am totally at peace. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not anxious, or that I don't wonder what the next days and weeks will bring! It means that whatever happens to me, now or later, I'm in God's hands, I feel His sweet presence with me, and there's no place I'd rather be. What a wonderful feeling it is to know that He's in control of my life and all that happens in it. I'm not afraid of death or of anything that life can throw in my direction. I'm simply resting in Him.

I'm so grateful for a God that knows the numbers of hairs in my head, who knew me when I was being formed in my mother's womb, and who alone knows the number of my days. As we sing in our Taize service:

Nothing can trouble,
nothing can frighten,
those who know God will never go wanting.

What else is there to say? Praise God!

Death

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. I suppose that's natural since I've been diagnosed with cancer. I've no idea what the future holds for me, really - I could die soon or I could live another twenty years - the Bible tells us that none of us knows the time or the day, and that is surely true. But what I've figured out is this: God doesn't look at death as a horrible thing, an ending, a tragedy. To God, death from this life means our presence with Him. I believe that when we die - the minute we leave this earthly presence - we are in the presence of God. Why would we be afraid of that?

I love my life and I don't have any desire to leave it behind just yet. As humans we are all afraid of the unknown. But I'm not afraid of death and I don't dread it. I don't like to ponder the "process", which can be so hard. And I don't like thinking about leaving the people I love so dearly behind. Of course I would like to see my grandchildren grow up! But death? It holds no terror for me. Because I know that to be in God's presence will be glorious.

"For to live is Christ, but to die is gain..."

Wonderfully made...

Oh Lord, I am fearfully and wonderfully made - isn't that what the Psalms tell me? And don't they also tell me that you know the numbers of hairs on my head and the way my body was knit together in my mother's womb? Yes - you have assured us so many times that you know everything about us and you care about our lives.

So why am I worried Lord? Why do I wonder what the next weeks will bring when I know that whatever it is, you're in control? Things may happen that I wouldn't choose. I might be in pain, or frightened, or face unbelievable challenges. But you'll be with me every step of the way, throughout it all. And nothing will happen to me that you're not aware of. Whatever the future holds, we'll face it together, you and I. Thank you for that promise.

Let the sun shine in!

It struck me Tuesday morning. We had endured two days of snow and dark skies and for the most part everything had closed down for a day (on Monday). Then Tuesday morning the sun was shining brightly and the world looked beautiful. It bounced off the snow and made the world look beautiful and clean. A great change from the day before. I thought how wonderful it is that despite the darkest days in our lives, despite the discouraging moments and the sadnesses we encounter, despite all the difficulties we face...the sun eventually comes out. And when it does, everything looks better.

As Christians it's the "son" that serves to remind us that despite the hard things we deal with and the difficulties we face, the son will illuminate the glory of life once we are ready to welcome Him in. So when the shadows come, and they surely will, we just need to remember that tomorrow is another day, and the son will be there for us when it comes - to brighten our world and remind us that He is the same, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Snow

As the snow falls outside the window and the world is coated in white, my mind turns to you God. I'm amazed at the beauty of your world. I'm overwhelmed by the intricate and exquisite glory of everything I see. What a concept snow is!

Thank you God for your wonderful world. Grant us the grace to never take it for granted. Help us to see things through your eyes and to recognize each miracle for what it is. And help us to be always, obviously, happily grateful. And to appreciate the snow...